The hardest days (ramble)

in the process of creating any life change I feel are days 1, 3, 7, and 30. In my case with healthy eating habits, it is sooo hard to get started. Scratch that. It is the easiest thing to actually do. What is hard is telling yourself no in that moment of decision making. So while I wake up each morning with the best of intentions, by the time my break rolls around at work I: 1) am so bored that I need to get out of the building for my own sanity; and 2)  am not interested in eating a cold/lukewarm meal in the break room while people still chat to you about work since you're there...it is not appealing. But if I eat out it is either expensive, unhealthy or both. I don't know a way around this besides eating a salad every. single. day. Bore. And this is coming from someone who eats the same foods all the time anyway. But somehow eating a cold salad at my slow paced job just makes me want to cry. Seriously, it's punishment not having any of your senses stimulated. It's kind of dim, cold, quiet, and tasteless food is just too much. I'm sure I need to experiment with various foods to have some lunch variety. Or just bring healthy food to snack on during the day like raisins and nuts then eat my main meals at breakfast and dinner...something. All I know is I am on the verge of cutting up my debit card. Because since my bank is not where I am locally it will make it harder to just constantly swipe and buy food. I would have to use checks and money would leak out a lot slower.

But anyways, for me it seems the hardest day is committing to that first day to start. Next day 3 sucks because by then you kind of start detoxing out all the junk. For someone like me who eats fast food very often I feel irritable and sad and start questioning "why I'm doing this to myself" and why I can't do the moderation thing like everyone else. But clearly moderation doesn't work for me. It's the end of September and I'm still struggling to get a good start. My birthday is in just over a month and I already feel disappointed in myself because I'm still dealing with something I told myself I wasn't going to do anymore on my last birthday. I even asked my mom not to make me a huge breakfast or a delicious birthday cake so I can start being healthy. And for what. To end up worse one year later because I just can't tell my self no in this one area.

Day 7 is hard because I feel like I've made it through the worst of it all so I feel like I can snack on junk with out it having a major effect...which of course is false, and causes a complete relapse to the beginning of the cycle. And day 30. I'm completely happy with my accomplishment and go to eat something unhealthy because the challenge is "done." The junk food no longer tastes as good as it did in my mind. My body feels sick from the many additives that are in the foods and my mind is almost sad that something that was once a favorite now feels like a punishment. So I try it again and again until I start to taste the goodness that I once knew. Ever so slowly picking up the pieces of the bad habit I was desperately trying to bury. And once again I am in the position of finding the best day 1 to start again. Only this time with my mind actively fighting against me. Taunting me of memories of great food that I can have just one more time before I begin again...

Masters grad still struggling with elementary problems.

Hashtag pathetic.

I haven't been perfect

But today will be a good day. I will make good decisions about what I eat today. And everyday I will trust myself to do what is best in that moment. And I will trust that these good decisions will reward me with a happier healthier life.

It's funny...

..well, more sad than funny. Just when you think you are strong enough to have a cheat meal, that slippery slope just continues until you decide to order the box pizza deal at pizza hut and spend half the night nauseous and with stomach cramps with an acidic burn crawling up your throat. Welp. Hopefully I've learned my lesson this time. Tough learner I suppose.

Early morning updates

August has been going very well. Maybe having less stress about eating actually makes it easier to eat healthy. I think the arbitrary blanket statement of "eat clean" was making me evaluate every single thing I ate at the moment of the decision at each meal. Instead, having general guidelines takes some of the options off the table so I don't have to think about is so much. I feel good but hopefully I keep the momentum going.

Also, what may help is exercising. I started taking some early morning yoga classes before work and most times I'd rather go home and take a nap over trying to go somewhere and eat out. I think I'll start taking spin classes too and just blast the fat right off lol. I think that will be good. Some of my clothes feel a tad bit different but I'm not sure if that is in my head. I don't think that I look any differently though so. I'll just keep it up and see how things unfold.

Honestly though, I just can't wait to feel lighter. It sounds crazy but a few months ago I just started to feel heavy. And by that I mean that I started to feel the effects of having extra body weight. Being winded after climbing stairs, more difficulty getting out of the car, just all the extra work that it takes to do a simple task. And I'm not even super huge. But I want that to be gone. I want to be more agile and have more strength so I don't randomly start sweating from tasks that come easily to most. So, that's what I'm working for. I'm hoping that I'll be able to feel the difference and see the results of my efforts by October, or by my birthday for sure.

Yes!

Today was great. I ate well. I bought more good groceries. Let's make it happen.

Take 2

I didn't want to start over but maybe that will be better. It's the first of the month and just over three months until my birthday. Since the goal was a 90 day challenge. I don't know if my nonefforts over the past few days have really set me back. I originally got the idea of a 90 day challenge because that's the first quarter of Extreme Weightloss. The goal is to take a year to change your life. But in that first 90 days the people on the show really start the mental transformation and they realize that they are the only one preventing them from being  who they really want to become. Not to mention they drop like 80, 90, 130 lbs! Well, granted they started out at 300+ and even 400+ pounds, but still that's freakin' amazing! I don't know how many pounds I need to lose because I left my scale in the move, but I'm sure I need to lose at least 50lbs if I'm being honest. So, I could definitely use 90 day turnaround. If I could even lose 40 that would be great. And I don't think that's too far fetched that is about 3 lbs a week. And when you're overweight the first bit of weight loss comes the easiest....If you just stick to it. I wish there was some prize I could get for meeting a certain goal like on the show. But, seeing as how I'm trying to build a savings, I'm sure that wouldn't be wise for me to splurge so early on..

...Hmm...

Maybe I just need a plan. Maybe that's the reason I was so successful I specifically described what counted as fast food and was specifically off limits. I don't want to be 100% paleo. I've done it for 30 days and it's not bad but I don't want to feel like I'm dieting. I really do want to come to something that I can make a lifestyle...thingy.

So, to start...I think I need to give up fast food for the rest of the year. Five months is a lot, but the only time it will be a problem is on roadtrips. But I think it will help me not to overeat snacks on the trips as well. Which brings me to the next point.

No chips. I just love the kettle cooked salt and vinegar chips. Which are bad on all fronts, fried potatoes with loads of sodium and vinegar eating your insides out....but oh so delicious. Til the end of the year, no more of that.

Any and all "junk" food must be either from the natural food section or made at home. And they can be eaten no more than twice a week. And not two whole days just two instances.

Okay I have been trying to write this post for hours now. What else do I need?

Eating out....I can eat out at a restaurant no more than once a week. (For me that is very little) I still have to try to order something that is healthy and drink water.

Limit pizza to no more than once a month.

Overall, I will try to stick mostly to paleo and making my my own meals...And no more cereal. I love it too much and can not stick to a single serving.

I think that should do it. Wish me luck.

FAIL.com

Seriously. I mean really. This is getting ridiculous. I had McDonald's today. (and Taco bell) And honestly I don't feel guilty about it. But I feel nauseous. I think my body had really started to detox and I just all kinds of jacked everything up with that food. I woke up late and I only brought veggies and by the time lunch came around I didn't feel like looking for something healthy. I wanted something quick and easy. Then once I'd done it, I'm compelled to make a day of it so I didn't waste the "one chance" I get to cheat. And the thing is, it's not like I don't have willpower. It's just that I convince myself in the moment of the decision that my large long term goal isn't important. That I have the rest of my life to make the changes. But the thing is, the changes I make now change the course of my life. Like there is no excuse to keep making decisions based on what I want right there in the moment, especially if it keeps me from getting to where I want to be. Where I need to be. This has got to stop. Seriously. I'm so ridiculously tired of this roller coaster ride. How many years does it take to resolve one basic problem? It's really gotta stop. Ain't nobody got time this. Seriously.

Cravings, oh my!

Now I'm starting to feel like I'm just going in circles. Later that night, after Papa John's, I went to Applebee's for the late night appetizers. It wasn't impulsive, I just thought that I'd make a whole "cheat" day of it. That night I slept so heavy. It was awful honestly. I woke up with a headache from dehydration. Not fun honestly. But to make it worse when I got to work I had cravings for everything unhealthy imaginable. The gourmet burger place across the street was calling my name! And it didn't make things any better that a coworker went and came back with delicious looking and smelling food. I thought about every possible way to rationalize eating a greasy burger with fries. Then I started thinking that I could get McDonalds on the way home and I was completely content with doing so. But then I thought about the fact that I had brought my lunch and how I would have to take it back home as a reminder that I wasn't strong enough to get back on the wagon. So I put all those thoughts out and sucked it up and ate my broccoli and meatballs. It really brought to my attention how hard it is for me to do the "moderation" thing. I did buy some cereal from the natural foods section of Kroger. While it isn't the healthiest thing, it is much better than that burger and truffle fries, and shake I was previously envisioning. I would like to do the moderation thing but I think it's more evident than ever that I should probably stay away from all junk for a while. It is hard to continue in a transformation when you are fighting with yourself the whole time. But I will get healthy, whatever it takes. And if staying away from certain things for 3 months or even 6 months is what it takes then I will do it. I've done it before, just have to focus. I got this.

Day 8

Okay so I packed a lunch got everything ready, got to work early and 10 minutes before I'm about to start my shift I realize that I forgot my lunch on the table in the apartment. *Shakes fists aggressively.* Seriously I've been eating absolutely great foods this whole week and feeling good about it. I didn't feel deprived, I wasn't obsessing over it as I have at times in the past, it was going well. So I had the decision between buying an expensive healthy-ish meal from one of the restaurants, buying fast food, trying to make it home and back on my break, (which would probably work except for the fact that I wouldn't actually have time to eat. Just literally drive pick up lunch and come back) or just not eat. None of the options were really appealing. So I decided to split a pizza from Papa John's with my coworkers. Now of course it isn't healthy or Paleo but I don't feel bad about it. One day doesn't mess up an entire week's worth of effort. My last post was talking about cutting things out completely that aren't Paleo, but I think more long term and about habit building. I think Paleo could be a good guideline to everyday healthy eating. But unfortunately life throws us curveballs sometimes and we have to switch it up. And that's okay. During any of my past attempts to be healthy for 2 weeks or 30 days, I was so strict that if I had the slightest hiccup I would completely throw the towel in or start all the way over. But, I'm gonna keep it at day 8 because even though it's a 90 day personal challenge, the goal behind it is to finally adopt a healthy lifestyle that will stick. And that only happens when I accept the fact that I can't control every detail. I have to just consciously make the decision to eat a healthy meal, and then decide to keep going. The last thing I want is to do like I've done in the past and start doing the "today is the last day so I'll eat everything that I want" which goes on day after day for weeks until I convince myself to start again. So instead, I'm not starting over. I'm continuing on this journey. I will be healthy.

Gotta be honest

Okay so I've come to a realization. As I mentioned on the first day I went grocery shopping and I got mostly healthy stuff and some "healthy junk" for when I was tired of being so strictly paleo. Well, after yesterday I don't think that is a good idea either. Since it was my first full weekend off in a while and Friday I was doing so many errands that it didn't feel like a day off, yesterday I didn't go anywhere. I mean I didn't even leave the apartment to check the mail or anything. And I'm honestly okay with that because I'm naturally an introvert and sometimes I just need some me time to recharge. However, what I also noticed is that all day yesterday I only ate the "healthy junk" food and an apple. While most people probably wouldn't consider it too bad, the fact that the cereal had too much sugar for someone who wasn't doing much moving. And the organic natural cut french fries, though baked in an oven and not fried, are still starches that convert straight to sugar. And I can see my self simply substituting fast food with other quick junk food which doesn't really help push me toward the healthy, more slim future that I'm trying to create. I have to be honest with myself. So the only real non paleo food items that I have is a loaf of Ezekiel raisin bread. When that runs out, I don't think that I'm going to buy anymore non paleo items until after the 90 days. I know 90 days isn't a magic number of days to cure all problems, but I'm really hoping that after it's over I will have a new mentality toward my relationship with food. Then maybe I can have "healthy junk food" here or there and not make it the only food that I eat on a given day.

I almost didn't, but I did

It's not that I wanted fast food so badly that I just had to have it. Moreso, it was that I was so hungry and didn't have snack foods or any foods in the fridge that are ready to eat. Well except salad, but one can only eat salad so many times a day. So when I was ready to eat, I just knew it would be so much easier to just drive to a drive thru and order something. 

But I stopped myself. I remembered how many times I've wanted to start, rationalized reasons for why I could postpone starting this, and how awful I felt because I didn't just stick to it. The most horrible feeling in the world is knowing that you had 100% control over the situation and you still didn't do what needed to get done. So, instead of driving to a fast food restaurant, I drove to the grocery store. It is farther away but the quality of food is so much better and I will have food for many more days. That way I won't have to go through this situation every day. I just removed the excuses by filling up my fridge with healthy alternatives with just 2 "healthy junk food" items.  Eventually, I think I'm moving toward a primarily paleo type lifestyle when it comes to food preferences. So essentially the "healthy junk food" is other food items from the natural foods section of the grocery store, but not paleo. 

I'm glad that I started today. My hopes aren't just for a 90 day challenge check mark, like it was when I did the 1 year fast food fast in 2010. I want to actually adopt healthy habits. I want to undo the damage that I've done with years of eating deep fried, processed garbage so that I will feel better on the inside. I want to clear my sinuses and have quality sleep, every single day. And dang it, I want to lose this excess weight. Above all, I want it to stick. I don't want to do this yoyo, back and forth, change with the wind lifestyle when it comes to something as important for health. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Thinking about initiating change has taken up too much brain space for too long. It's long past time for action. I need that brain space for new ideas.

Today was a good day. A day to reframe the rest of my life. Day 1.

It's been a long time

I'm thinking that maybe I should pick this back up. Fast food is my weakness because it allows me to be lazy when it comes to meal planning and grocery shopping, you know, typical adult things. I don't have to make a lunch when I go to work, I can just use my break to buy something that is hot (usually) and quick (most times). But it isn't practical. And it is constantly getting more and more expensive, and likely more and more unhealthy as various gmo products and chemicals are used in production. I'm literally feeling the effects of eating so much fast food in my diet. The difficult part isn't making up in my mind that I'm never going to eat it again...considering I do that like 12 times a day. The hard part is living in a world where everyone else is eating it all the time and seemingly not having any negative consequence from that lifestyle. The hardest part is feeling like a complete outsider that can't participate in the most basic of human gatherings of eating meals together because I've chosen not to eat what the majority eats. Well, at least the majority of the people in my surroundings. But, I just know deep down that I have to stop. Every day it's nagging me to change my life completely. I've done it for a year but is it even fathomable to cut it out completely. I'm not really one of those "moderation" girls, because for me, one bite is a slippery slope all the way back to the pits that I'm eternally climbing my way out of..and every time I fall it's just another reason for people to shake their heads and say how dumb it was for me to even try. As if in any world that could even possibly be helpful. Maybe forever is too much to think about. Maybe I should start with 90 days. And when should I start this? When else? Tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

-F