Its done.

Now I will do better...I have to.

I'm gonna eat the Ice Cream

and then start over.....ugh I suck at this.

The World is working against me

Not really, it's probably that I have so many restrictions in my life that I am subconsciously allowing myself to eat everything even though it is going against my goals. It is not good. But on the bright side I actually went to the gym yesterday and I feel the pleasant burn of weight loss in action yet not so intense of a burn that would say that I am in terrible terrible shape all over again. So hopefully I can get rides to keep this up. I need to lose weight. I will go crazy if I don't. I refuse to continue the gain that Philander has put me through and I refuse to stand idle and waste my youth trapped in this body. I want my life the way I want it and I am taking it back and I am starting with this ridding myself of this fat suit. I will toss the remaining ice cream and figure out away to fix this problem. I will work it out. I have to. Failure is not an option.

Confessions of a Fat Girl

So yeah...I'm getting huge. Almost the size of a house now. It's so frustrating that I am gaining. I don't know how I could eat healthier since my fridge still freezes my lettuce that I buy to make salads which is disgusting when it thaws...and also I haven't been to the gym in exactly 1 month yesterday. I am paying for a friggin gym membership and I have time to go I just don't have a way to get there which irritates me just to think about. And I have tried to go to the gym on campus to walk/run on the indoor track but of course that is the building they decide to lock like somebody is going to steal a bleacher that has been built into the building. I know that this sounds like just a load of excuses-it sounds like that to me as well but I dont know how I can fix it...and I'm terrified to do crunches and exercise in the building that they have me living in currently has the occasional roach ("waterbug") problems...I barely want to walk in there much less lie on the floor. So I am gaining weight cause this campus is so small and I don't get that many steps in per day and on top of that it is hot as -um well idk but it is too friggin hot to be walking around for long periods of time after 9 am on any given day...This is not gonna work for me. This car needs to come with a quickness.

Oh so hungry

I am frustrated. I have been in the room for forever it seems because I have no car and no food and I'm stuck. And that's how I feel about life in general right now. And even though I don't even want fast food I feel like if something doesn't change soon I will have to resort to that. I literally have apple sauce in the fridge. In all actuality it's other stuff that is stressing me out but being hungry and not being able to have something delivered and no way to cook or buy stuff to cook is not helping the situation at all. I need something in my life to go my way right now. And if I stare at these walls for too much longer I am going to go insane.

The Worst Thing Ever...

I think I need to go on a diet. I honestly don't know when the last time was that I went on a diet. I HATE the concept of diets. Stress yourself out by choosing to limit your own freedom and feeling guilty if you accidentally (or intentionally) fall off the wagon or just don't hit your goal weight after all that frustration. So it sounds dumb that I would even be considering it. But I really want to lose 30 lbs. I when I work out nothing really happens...maybe like 5lbs after forever. And last summer I worked out 4-5 days/week and gained 10 lbs. I'm not interested in gaining anything. Even if it is muscle. I want to lose weight then worry about building muscles...So maybe what I need is more control over what I eat. Not eating fast food is easy when I can eat anything else under the sun including things that are way more fattening like Mexican food, Seafood (with all the buttery drippings), plus fried foods and desserts...all which I love. Maybe it's time to say no to all things unhealthy for a month...or until school starts. Maybe the combination of working out and eating better will do wonders for me. I guess it shouldn't be hard since I have no car and no way to get food since all the people I hang out with work or have class most of the time. If I do start it will probably be tomorrow (of course) so I can get a last day in of eating whatever I want.

I'm a terrible blogger

Dear Blog,
Even though I have been so horrible to you, I still love you. And I'm still committed to the cause. Not a morsel of fast food has crossed my lips in the long while that it has been since I have spent time with you. I have been out of the country twice since we've last spoken-the Bahamas and a cruise to Mexico. It was amazing and oh so fun. But I ate and ate and ate. No fast food-because like I said before I am still with you like I promised. But I have not been healthy like I should have been because food was so readily available. And it is so rare that this happens because at school you have to make it happen when it comes to food. I haven't been good to you, haven't told you every detail like I should. But I think of you often. Maybe I'll get a smartphone so lack of internet can not be an excuse. Anyways I will do better. Oh and I was in a car alone that messed up and had to pull on the side of the road and my brother's friend (who is a manager at McDonalds) helped me out and he gave me a bottle of Dasani water since I was stranded in Texas heat. I did drink that. But drinks were always allowed from these places. And since I had to battle dehydration and I didn't pay for the water I don't count it as supporting the fast food place at all. So to clarify. I am still fasting fast food. And although drinks/desserts were permitted from the jump I have not had them either since the beginning of the fast.

I will blog more often.
Thank you for keeping me strong in this year long fast. I'm almost half way there.