FAIL.com

Seriously. I mean really. This is getting ridiculous. I had McDonald's today. (and Taco bell) And honestly I don't feel guilty about it. But I feel nauseous. I think my body had really started to detox and I just all kinds of jacked everything up with that food. I woke up late and I only brought veggies and by the time lunch came around I didn't feel like looking for something healthy. I wanted something quick and easy. Then once I'd done it, I'm compelled to make a day of it so I didn't waste the "one chance" I get to cheat. And the thing is, it's not like I don't have willpower. It's just that I convince myself in the moment of the decision that my large long term goal isn't important. That I have the rest of my life to make the changes. But the thing is, the changes I make now change the course of my life. Like there is no excuse to keep making decisions based on what I want right there in the moment, especially if it keeps me from getting to where I want to be. Where I need to be. This has got to stop. Seriously. I'm so ridiculously tired of this roller coaster ride. How many years does it take to resolve one basic problem? It's really gotta stop. Ain't nobody got time this. Seriously.

Cravings, oh my!

Now I'm starting to feel like I'm just going in circles. Later that night, after Papa John's, I went to Applebee's for the late night appetizers. It wasn't impulsive, I just thought that I'd make a whole "cheat" day of it. That night I slept so heavy. It was awful honestly. I woke up with a headache from dehydration. Not fun honestly. But to make it worse when I got to work I had cravings for everything unhealthy imaginable. The gourmet burger place across the street was calling my name! And it didn't make things any better that a coworker went and came back with delicious looking and smelling food. I thought about every possible way to rationalize eating a greasy burger with fries. Then I started thinking that I could get McDonalds on the way home and I was completely content with doing so. But then I thought about the fact that I had brought my lunch and how I would have to take it back home as a reminder that I wasn't strong enough to get back on the wagon. So I put all those thoughts out and sucked it up and ate my broccoli and meatballs. It really brought to my attention how hard it is for me to do the "moderation" thing. I did buy some cereal from the natural foods section of Kroger. While it isn't the healthiest thing, it is much better than that burger and truffle fries, and shake I was previously envisioning. I would like to do the moderation thing but I think it's more evident than ever that I should probably stay away from all junk for a while. It is hard to continue in a transformation when you are fighting with yourself the whole time. But I will get healthy, whatever it takes. And if staying away from certain things for 3 months or even 6 months is what it takes then I will do it. I've done it before, just have to focus. I got this.

Day 8

Okay so I packed a lunch got everything ready, got to work early and 10 minutes before I'm about to start my shift I realize that I forgot my lunch on the table in the apartment. *Shakes fists aggressively.* Seriously I've been eating absolutely great foods this whole week and feeling good about it. I didn't feel deprived, I wasn't obsessing over it as I have at times in the past, it was going well. So I had the decision between buying an expensive healthy-ish meal from one of the restaurants, buying fast food, trying to make it home and back on my break, (which would probably work except for the fact that I wouldn't actually have time to eat. Just literally drive pick up lunch and come back) or just not eat. None of the options were really appealing. So I decided to split a pizza from Papa John's with my coworkers. Now of course it isn't healthy or Paleo but I don't feel bad about it. One day doesn't mess up an entire week's worth of effort. My last post was talking about cutting things out completely that aren't Paleo, but I think more long term and about habit building. I think Paleo could be a good guideline to everyday healthy eating. But unfortunately life throws us curveballs sometimes and we have to switch it up. And that's okay. During any of my past attempts to be healthy for 2 weeks or 30 days, I was so strict that if I had the slightest hiccup I would completely throw the towel in or start all the way over. But, I'm gonna keep it at day 8 because even though it's a 90 day personal challenge, the goal behind it is to finally adopt a healthy lifestyle that will stick. And that only happens when I accept the fact that I can't control every detail. I have to just consciously make the decision to eat a healthy meal, and then decide to keep going. The last thing I want is to do like I've done in the past and start doing the "today is the last day so I'll eat everything that I want" which goes on day after day for weeks until I convince myself to start again. So instead, I'm not starting over. I'm continuing on this journey. I will be healthy.

Gotta be honest

Okay so I've come to a realization. As I mentioned on the first day I went grocery shopping and I got mostly healthy stuff and some "healthy junk" for when I was tired of being so strictly paleo. Well, after yesterday I don't think that is a good idea either. Since it was my first full weekend off in a while and Friday I was doing so many errands that it didn't feel like a day off, yesterday I didn't go anywhere. I mean I didn't even leave the apartment to check the mail or anything. And I'm honestly okay with that because I'm naturally an introvert and sometimes I just need some me time to recharge. However, what I also noticed is that all day yesterday I only ate the "healthy junk" food and an apple. While most people probably wouldn't consider it too bad, the fact that the cereal had too much sugar for someone who wasn't doing much moving. And the organic natural cut french fries, though baked in an oven and not fried, are still starches that convert straight to sugar. And I can see my self simply substituting fast food with other quick junk food which doesn't really help push me toward the healthy, more slim future that I'm trying to create. I have to be honest with myself. So the only real non paleo food items that I have is a loaf of Ezekiel raisin bread. When that runs out, I don't think that I'm going to buy anymore non paleo items until after the 90 days. I know 90 days isn't a magic number of days to cure all problems, but I'm really hoping that after it's over I will have a new mentality toward my relationship with food. Then maybe I can have "healthy junk food" here or there and not make it the only food that I eat on a given day.

I almost didn't, but I did

It's not that I wanted fast food so badly that I just had to have it. Moreso, it was that I was so hungry and didn't have snack foods or any foods in the fridge that are ready to eat. Well except salad, but one can only eat salad so many times a day. So when I was ready to eat, I just knew it would be so much easier to just drive to a drive thru and order something. 

But I stopped myself. I remembered how many times I've wanted to start, rationalized reasons for why I could postpone starting this, and how awful I felt because I didn't just stick to it. The most horrible feeling in the world is knowing that you had 100% control over the situation and you still didn't do what needed to get done. So, instead of driving to a fast food restaurant, I drove to the grocery store. It is farther away but the quality of food is so much better and I will have food for many more days. That way I won't have to go through this situation every day. I just removed the excuses by filling up my fridge with healthy alternatives with just 2 "healthy junk food" items.  Eventually, I think I'm moving toward a primarily paleo type lifestyle when it comes to food preferences. So essentially the "healthy junk food" is other food items from the natural foods section of the grocery store, but not paleo. 

I'm glad that I started today. My hopes aren't just for a 90 day challenge check mark, like it was when I did the 1 year fast food fast in 2010. I want to actually adopt healthy habits. I want to undo the damage that I've done with years of eating deep fried, processed garbage so that I will feel better on the inside. I want to clear my sinuses and have quality sleep, every single day. And dang it, I want to lose this excess weight. Above all, I want it to stick. I don't want to do this yoyo, back and forth, change with the wind lifestyle when it comes to something as important for health. Ain't nobody got time for that. 

Thinking about initiating change has taken up too much brain space for too long. It's long past time for action. I need that brain space for new ideas.

Today was a good day. A day to reframe the rest of my life. Day 1.

It's been a long time

I'm thinking that maybe I should pick this back up. Fast food is my weakness because it allows me to be lazy when it comes to meal planning and grocery shopping, you know, typical adult things. I don't have to make a lunch when I go to work, I can just use my break to buy something that is hot (usually) and quick (most times). But it isn't practical. And it is constantly getting more and more expensive, and likely more and more unhealthy as various gmo products and chemicals are used in production. I'm literally feeling the effects of eating so much fast food in my diet. The difficult part isn't making up in my mind that I'm never going to eat it again...considering I do that like 12 times a day. The hard part is living in a world where everyone else is eating it all the time and seemingly not having any negative consequence from that lifestyle. The hardest part is feeling like a complete outsider that can't participate in the most basic of human gatherings of eating meals together because I've chosen not to eat what the majority eats. Well, at least the majority of the people in my surroundings. But, I just know deep down that I have to stop. Every day it's nagging me to change my life completely. I've done it for a year but is it even fathomable to cut it out completely. I'm not really one of those "moderation" girls, because for me, one bite is a slippery slope all the way back to the pits that I'm eternally climbing my way out of..and every time I fall it's just another reason for people to shake their heads and say how dumb it was for me to even try. As if in any world that could even possibly be helpful. Maybe forever is too much to think about. Maybe I should start with 90 days. And when should I start this? When else? Tomorrow.

Wish me luck.

-F